well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
