I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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