I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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