I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
