My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
