this beer tastes like vomit already
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
