I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
