my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
