These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
