Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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