So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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