the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
