he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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