You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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