I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys