Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
