I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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