I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
