I heard we made out
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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