I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
