so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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