"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
