capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
