rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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