Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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