i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
