my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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