Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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