words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
