I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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