i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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