last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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