god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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