so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
