True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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