Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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