Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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