every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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