I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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