I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I am one with the molecules
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
