; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
