In the future we'll all be gay
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
