That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
