a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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