Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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