guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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