Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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