I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
