It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
