YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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