Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
