I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
