Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
