; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
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i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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