Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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